5. Captain Complainer
No, church this Sunday is not going to be perfect. Well done, you worked it out! Imperfect people are going to come together in an imperfect manner, with an imperfect system, rub up against each other, and be imperfect. If you come to church looking for something to complain about then I assure you that you will find it.
But apart from feeding your own ego, incessant complaining helps no one. People turn up early, serve, love, care and work. Why not join the building party rather than the tearing down party? That’s the kingdom mindset.
4. Mrs Invisible
You know the person who says “they are with you in spirit” but are not actually there! Turn up this week, don’t be there “in spirit” be there spirit, soul and body!
This week, turn up – then look to the person on the left of you and on the right. Smile at them, encourage them, let them hear you singing and saying “Amen”. You have no idea how much you encouraged them. You also got a lot more out of the worship and the Word than if you had sat on your sofa eating Coco Pops and watching Jeremy Kyle claiming you were there in “spirit”.
3. Flirty Fred
Church is not your pick up joint, it’s not your real life Tinder app. It’s not for that purpose.
You genuinely have no idea how sleazy you look trying to chat up all the ladies, and you have no idea that everyone – yes, everyone – has noticed. You are making people uncomfortable – not least of all your own wife or girlfriend standing innocently there waiting for you to stop making a fool of yourself.
It’s not that we lack a sense of humour, your inappropriate comments are genuinely not funny!
2. Lord Lateness
Yes, I know that you are so egotistical that you think church can’t possibly begin until you are there, but the truth is it does. The programme has been calculated and designed to help you as a complete service, but you walking in late means the ushers are out late, children’s registration helpers are out late, you are disrupting the service and you are missing out on the full value of the service.
But hey – at least you got that extra 15 minutes beauty sleep!
1. Gertrude Gossip
I think this is the worst person to be in church. The Bible says:
A gossip separates close friends (Prov. 16.28)
There are no quarrels without gossips (Prov. 26.22)
Gossips can’t keep secrets (Pro. 11.13)
You don’t want church to be a place where there is quarelling, where people can’t be close friends. Remember what Grandma used to say: if you can’t say anything nice, shut your big ugly mouth! Seriously, button it. Zip it. Sellotape it. All three. We are building a church that hates gossip.
1. Pyramid Patricia
I know some people want to make a bit of extra money, and I think that’s a great idea. I am not against working hard and not against entrepreneurialism. In fact, I am for it.
But church services and business do not mix. Especially when it comes to the sort of pyramid schemes of selling that involve selling something perishable or reuseable all the time. No one in the church wants your shampoo, your fibre, your vitamins, your grass, your gas provider, your email telephone service. And if you keep talking about it all the time, people will avoid you. Keep your business out of the church. Email me and we’ll put you in the directory, if people need your services they will phone you.